Oceans...

I've been feeling the need to write this week but every time I sit down to my mind goes in so many different directions that I can't decide what to write. So I'm just going to put a number of my thoughts down. 

Q's adoption is going to be finalized in two months and I have yet to finish writing the story of our journey to him and his birth. I've tried countless times to get it all down and just end up deleting it. For some one that is hardly ever speechless, this is weird. I can't seem to adequately get into words what I was feeling and the magnitude of what happened the day Q was born. It was such a special, intimate, long awaited, miracle of a moment that words just don't seem enough and there's a small part of me that wants to keep that intimacy to myself. 

As of late, my sister Jenny and I have been talking a lot about the song "Oceans" by Hillsong. Different parts of the song have spoken to each of us and it has found a special place in each of our hearts. The part that I love is the line that says "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, Let me walk upon the waters, Wherever You would call me." 

The first time I heard this song I was driving home at night. We live about 20 minutes from town so I get a lot of good music time in. I cried at that line. Like, really cried. I feel like that line describes what happened to me during our adoption process. In answer to God's call and in blind faith Donny and I moved forward in this process year, after year, after long year. Every year that passed I was forced to trust God more and more. He was literally pushing me into a corner where I had no control, where my only options were to either trust Him or not adopt. I'll be honest, there were times I questioned it. Were we doing the right thing? If God called us to this then why is it so hard and why is it so heartbreaking? Why has our profile been viewed six times but no one has picked us? Why did that birth mom change her mind? Every time I questioned I could sense God whispering, "Just wait. I've called you. You are headed in the right direction. I will make it so." My sinful side often responded with "well do it already then!" Not my proudest moment. 

Over time I came to a place of peace about the process and God's timing. To be honest, I felt like I just gave up fighting God and finally just floated along. I can't say I know of another time in my life when this has happened, which is sad because I know that this is how I should live everyday. Every time something happened, a set back or not getting picked again, I tried to take it in stride and trust God that He knew what He was doing. 

I've noticed that this new lesson in trust hasn't spilled into all areas of my life. I hate that about myself. I can never seem to totally let God be in control. But I'm trying, I'm really trying. Funny thing is, I don't think many people have noticed, besides my Mom. Not that it's about that. I'm just the type of person that, sadly, appreciates a cheering squad. (Maybe that's a youngest thing.) But, I'm a stay-at-home mom now and there are days, many days, that the only other person I see besides Donny is Q and he can't talk to me yet. And it's here that God has pointed out my sinful desire for recognition, for an at-a-boy. I don't believe in and follow God for other people. I follow God because of God. If no one was left on the face of the earth I would still believe and I would still follow. 

I've been in an active relationship with the Lord since I was like four or something. I've been an extrovert my entire life. These two things collide sometimes. I want to experience everything in life with other people. I don't ever like to be alone. But there are times that God wants to teach me something that is just between Him and I. How many times in my life have I missed something because I refused to be alone with the Lord? Even Jesus got alone on a regular basis to speak with God. I believe in our lives that is more than just prayer. Even though I have been a believer most of my life I often feel like God is a stranger to me and that is my fault. So, in my day to day when I spend so much time alone I'm trying to make a new habit of spending some time in the Word every day and to talk to and listen to God more. Instead of praying to Him once a day at the end of my day, I'm trying to pray through out the day as things are placed on my heart. I ask Him questions and am hoping He will answer someday. When we were adopting I prayed constantly all day and I really grew to love it. But as soon as Q was placed in my arms its like I forgot the lesson I had learned. I know this is a very common issue with other believers and I take some comfort in knowing that I am not alone in these faults, in knowing that I am normal (for the most part). :)

At the end of the day I am just a sinner trying to be better. I am a work in progress but I am grateful that God loves me so. I am blessed that He called Donny and I to such an amazing thing as adoption and that He has been patient in my distrust. I'm praying that I will get to a place someday where my trust is without borders and that I would go wherever He calls me.