A Hard Day...

Today I'm taking a break from our adoption story to process the hard day we've had. Before I get in to it all please know that I absolutely love, love, love being a stay at home mom. But, some days are just hard. Some days are just tiring. Some days are just draining. Some days are just down right frustrating. Today was one of those days.

It started out really good. Baby boy slept most of the morning not really wanting to be awake in-between feedings. (Growth spurt?) He even let me put him down twice in his crib to sleep allowing me to get some things done. So, I started cleaning the office/music room/craft room. Lesson learned! I should have taken advantage of actually having my arms free and showered, or washed dishes, or washed bottles. Instead I started a project. Rookie move! You think I would have learned that lesson by now. He is almost two months old.

In the afternoon we had company who brought us lunch and cute baby clothes. So fun and such a blessing! Baby boy did pretty good even tolerating sitting with the company so I could start and change laundry. But as soon as company left something switched in him.

He started screaming. Wouldn't let me put him down. Wouldn't eat. Our ac went out complicating matters and we both were, and still are, dripping sweat all over each other. It's 100 outside and 85 inside my house. Though it feels hotter when you have a personal heater on you. Gross! At one point he was just laying in my lap screaming and I just looked at him. I was at a loss. I had tried everything. I didn't know what else to do. So, I tried everything again. I tried to get him to eat, take his paci, bouncing on the ball, walking, rocking, shushing, talking to him, singing to him. I only swaddled him as a last resort since it was so hot. It took a few minutes but he finally calmed down while I rocked him. 30 minutes later he fell asleep. I waited until I thought he was good and asleep and successfully transferred him to his crib. The race was on! I had some where to be tonight and I needed to at least wash bottles and shower before going. To the sink I went!

I managed to get three, yes three, bottles washed before he woke up screaming again. Back to the rocker we went trying everything again. Still wouldn't eat or calm down to anything. He finally, thank the Lord, took his paci and calmed down. We rocked........ and rocked........ and rocked. Eventually he fell asleep. Again, on me, dripping sweat every where. At this point, I conceded. I text my friend and let her know I wasn't going to make it. It was just too late now and I was beyond frustrated. I needed to stay calm for him so lots of deep breathes were taken and prayers sent up.

I managed to get him in his swing, though he is restless, and get my feelings out here in hopes I stay calm while holding him. I'm not going to lie, I cried while writing this. It hurts my heart when I can't comfort him and my mind always wonders if he isn't bonded like I think he is. Adoption can leave you with so many doubts and uncertainties and its hard on days like this not to start thinking about those things.

Wait what?! As I re-read that last paragraph I am reminded that satan will use anything to discourage me. I must remind myself that God blessed us with Q, God ordained this match, God made this family, it is only by God's hand that this child is here. Does that guaranty a great bond? No. But I prayed for over 5 years for an amazing bond between us and I need to trust God that He will do that, that He already has. Satan wants me to doubt God. Satan wants me to doubt myself and my abilities as a mother. He won today and he will probably win again. I am not perfect.

But right now, I choose to trust God. To remember the miracles He has done so far and to hope for more. To pat myself on the back and know I tried my best. And to remind myself that God's mercies are new everyday, every hour, every minute. So, the last few hours have down right sucked. But this is a new hour, new mercies. Armor up! I'm going in! :)