Tonight Donny and I had to make the hardest decision so far in our adoption journey. Last Friday our social worker called asking for permission to send our profile to a birth mom in another state. Of course we said yes. We don't have an issue with anyone viewing our profile. Donny and I have tried very hard to not box God in on things. We've tried to stay very open to any situation not knowing what God might do. So, our profile crossed state lines. Many state lines actually. And then we sat and waited.
This waiting period we have been in since having all our paper work done has been interesting. Boring, in fact. When we had paperwork we had something to do. Now, we have nothing to do. I find myself obsessing over what I should pack in the diaper bag, researching formula, and picking the perfect hospital outfits. Which, by the way, have yet to be decided. :)
Today our social worker called with more information about the situation in another state. I can't share the exact details but after being on the phone for an hour and a half between our social worker and Donny, spending the afternoon thinking things over, and another conversation with Donny this evening, we decided to pull our profile from being viewed.
I found myself crying at my desk at work this afternoon. I felt sick about making this kind of decision. Initially, we told our social worker that we would leave it to be viewed and if we got chosen we would go from there. But that decision didn't sit well with me all afternoon.
Here we are, desperate for a baby, considering to pass up a chance for our profile to be viewed, not knowing when we will have the chance for it to be viewed again. I felt like I was being crazy. But in the end we had to remind ourselves that we have been asking God for direction for years on this adoption and neither of us were feeling comfortable with this situation for a number of reasons. We have specifically asked for peace and we did not have that today.
This afternoon I lost sight of that. This whole adoption thing is so emotionally charged. I wanted to say "yes! No matter the situation we are all in!" But I just couldn't do it and I have to trust God that that was His leading. I have to trust Him that He has the best situation out there for us. I have to trust that He will follow through and make us a family like He has promised us. I have to have patience so He can work.
After talking with Donny this evening and after we decided to pull our profile I had so much more peace about things. I felt myself calm down and I thank God for his guidance through my emotions.
I know our baby is out there somewhere. I know it will be the perfect situation for us. I know God is asking us to trust Him and we are trying to do that. I know that when it happens we will be filled with peace not unrest. Next time I will try not to lose sight of that.
Thanking God for many things tonight and going to bed feeling hopeful. :)
I couldn't be prouder of you guys! God has chosen you for something so special but the process, though it will be more than worth it, has not been easy. There is an older Maranatha song that speaks to your situation...
ReplyDeleteIn His time,
In His time,
He makes all things beautiful, in His time.
Lord please show me everyday,
As You're teaching me Your way,
That You do just what You say,
In Your time.
Hang in there. Praying for you both!!