Where I'm At.....

I haven't blogged in a long time. Things are hard to deal with at times and it just seems to take all my energy just to do everything else in my day. Some days are good. Some days are hard. Some days are down right horrible. At times it feels as if the pain of my dad's abandonment just might kill me. Seriously. Sometimes its all I have to not explode from it all. My poor, sweet husband doesn't know what to do anymore. He listens to me every time I need to talk. He holds me when I cry. But he has admitted he is tired of seeing me cry all the time. He wishes I didn't hurt so much. He wishes there was something he could do about it. I wish there was something anyone could do about it.

I'm an either-or person. It's either black or white, right or wrong, cute or ugly, bad or awesome. I hate living in this grey area. I have no idea how to handle things with my dad. Do I call him? Text him? Try and have a relationship with? Cut him out of my life until he gets his shit together?  What if he never gets his shit together?

I had dinner with him tonight. It was weird as always. Part of me was happy to see him. The other part of me was supper pissed at the sight of him and then got even more angry because the other half of me was happy to see him. It's like that whole devil on one shoulder, angel on the other shoulder. When I see him I don't know if I should be smiling or throwing punches. My mind just can't pick which feeling to go with. I guess that's a good thing. Hitting your own dad could be a pretty low point.

I've been working hard at my Bible study. God has really been challenging me with it. And that is a good thing! Just a really hard thing. I know some day God is going to push me to forgive my dad. I just can't see how that is possible. The hurt is so great I can't fathom ever working through it. It's like a tornado and someone hands me some fishing line and says "rope that tornado with that fishing line". Um....what....IMPOSSIBLE!!!!! I know from God's word that He is a God of miracles and because I am only human I can not see the whole picture but, seriously, He's going to have to work a miracle for that forgiveness thing to happen. And it's not because I'm not open to it. I totally am, I can't be pissed my whole life, I can't be crying about things forever. It's just so hard and confusing.

Does forgiving someone mean you never hurt about it? Cus I really don't think so. I think/hope the pain becomes less and less but I think it will always be there to some degree. I'm afraid of the pain becoming such a normal feeling that, in a sick twist, I wont know how to live without it.

Dude, this sucks!